Cold hard bitch

Two in two days!!!!

Wow! I’m on fire lately.

I often wonder how much of myself I should “let out” in this blog.

Part of me knows that most that read this blog are morons looking to live a fantasy, and totally disconnected with life and their real world.

They don’t view this place and people like me as real individual people, because when they come and read these things, the form THEY take on, it’s all in their imagination it’s all part of the fantasy for them, none of it is actually real (me and the things I write here included), and quite frankly, I’d rather not write things that are deeply emotionally seated for me and my life, if it’s just going to be trivialized.

But part of me needs an outlet.

Somewhere I can express myself and the things I find myself working through in life and part of me also feels that, although (as I said in my last post) I’ve NEVER found them, there has to be someone or others out there who are going through similar things to me and would be greatly helped to know someone else is too.

So what is it today? What’s got me writing again today?

It’s something I’ve been laying here thinking about that honestly has me concerned.

I’ve had to become 100% self-reliant over that past three or four years.

When I made it clear to my parents that I needed to change sex, they simply stopped making any effort for me at all. Even before that I really had no friends I felt I could truly rely on if I needed help with anything, my parents were the only ones who ever did anything for me if I needed help, but couple that with a move to a totally new city, where I didn’t know a single person, and throw in the fact that I didn’t want to make friends with anyone (as my out-going identity) because they’d have become a liability, and the result was, anything at all in life that I needed to achieve, was solely up to me and me alone.

An example:

I’ve moved house 5 times in the last 3 years. Every time I got a trailer from somewhere and had to find a way to shift the biggest and heaviest furniture , refrigerators things like that, all on my own.

Often crying a little at the fact that my family knew what I was doing, it would’ve been reasonable for them to assume that I’d need help, but they didn’t seem to care enough to make an effort to help me. That’s just one example, there’s a million things I’ve been alone for and not just wanted but NEEDED someone to be there for and they haven’t, and each and every time I’ve died a little more inside.

Each time my heart has grown a little colder.

I didn’t matter.

It’s hardened me.

Soon I learned to stop wanting.

Stop needing.

Anything!

From anyone.

I’m not worth it to them and the last thing I wanted was to drive them further away by being a burden.

If I couldn’t find a way to do it myself and (as was the case more often than not;) I couldn’t afford to pay to get it done, then I just learned to find a way to go without.

So what is my concern here?

Girls aren’t like that.

Girls aren’t like me.

Cold.

Hardened.

Girls get looked after, they never learn to be as I have.

It’s not often they’re made to learn not to want or need anything or that it's a burden for people to love them and make effort for them, to be weary/cautious of anyone who might show signs of doing that (and on in the rare occasion they are, at least not at the point in life I was made to learn it)

It scares me. Terrifies me in fact.

I’m terrified I’ll never find a man who’s prepared to take the time to break down the wall I’ve built and look for what’s on the other side.

From the outside, I can’t say there’d appear to be many/any incentives for him doing so.

If you’re out there somewhere? I promise you if you do, I’ll do my very best to make it worth your while.