Women's Issues

I don’t feel I’m very successful at blogging anymore.

It’s been what?.... over a month since my last post, one could hardly suggest I’m consistent or regular.

I used to be….. once upon a time.

 I’ve had a few different blogs throughout my blogging “career” and all of them have come about from my desire to address individual facets of a certain topic  and how it was effecting me and my life or ways in which I’d hoped my experiences and what I’d learned, or was learning, might help or benefit others.

Some of those previous blogs managed 100-120 page views per day, which is not much by any means, but considering the stat’s I see for this blog, I think is rather remarkable.

So what has changed?

My issues in life have; my motivations and so the perspective I have on many things lately (and in life in general) has.

My blogs until now, have been focused on Transsexualism mainly.

I personally view (male to female) Transsexualism as a women’s health issue, despite what transgender (IE transvestite) men do to influence public opinion on it in an effort to exploit the treatment designed for us to the benefit of their fetish.

At my core I am and always have been female. My life history reflects that of a female minded person who has been restricted from having the things in life that the balance of the world’s female  population desire/need/seek and typically attain in/from life. What caused that/those restriction/s was not a psychological issue, but a physical one, one that I treated the best and only way I possibly could have, with medical science.

Despite what people may think due to the influences of transgender men (IE transvestites), what is in my mind is not, has not, and never will change. In essence I am female and that makes the issue I faced until now, transsexualism, a female/women’s medical issue.

So up until recently, that was the BIGGEST issue in my life and hence my main subject and the thing that influenced my perspective and everything I wrote.

 Now however, I’ve largely resolved that issue and so it bears little importance on me and my life and the woman I am, and so my issues have become relatively few and hance my posting has reduced.

That is; until I see something that inspires me, something that has the potential to benefit some women’s (including possibly my own) life.

Something like this which I saw on morning television today.

Back to needs and desires.

Something that sets (most) women apart from men (including transvestites) is the instinctive desire to bear and give birth to children.

For me it’s a very sore, complicated, and emotional subject, because I was born with a medical condition that should exclude me forever from being able to do that.

That resonates with me through so many aspects of my life. Not only is there the personal disappointment of knowing it will likely not ever happen for me EVER! and the indescribable hurt I feel at that whenever I’m made to think about it, but there is (for me and I suspect many women who face the same life circumstances due to other issues) a personal sense of guilt, (maybe) shame, of worthlessness.

It reaches far throughout my life, I question what man could love me/would want me? I’m obviously “broken”…. less than. How much good, how desirable; is a woman who can’t fulfil a major aspect of a female’s purpose in the species/world?

I feel sadness that I’ll never share the lifelong connection with the man I love that having children represents, that I’ll never give him the joy of being a biological father.

 That’s my job, my responsibility.

Or at least that’s kinda how I feel.

These things and feelings are largely self-imposed, I’m NOT complaining about society’s views here, just speaking of my own personal feelings and expectations.

I know of other girls born with the same condition I was, who also insisted on not cutting corners and who insisted on addressing functionality (during treatment) as well as “aesthetics”.

What do I mean?

Not all of the female hormones are required for the female form to develop, but some are most certainly required for things to “work” correctly. Progesterone for instance, is important for breast development and ESSENTIAL to function. The theory being that if one day it became possible for us to bear our own children, we’d need our breasts to function correctly. Progesterone however, is NOT a necessity and can have some pretty serious Side effects (Tell me that doesn’t speak of personal motivation).

So like (I think) many women, I have a hard time with the fact that I’ll likely never carry my own children, and like most of those women (I suspect), I’ve had to find a way of dealing with that.

Call it justification or a coping mechanism, whatever, it doesn’t matter, it’s not for you; it’s for my own sense of self-worth and wellbeing and how I’ve done that, is to simply decide that I was put here for a different reason to most women, that there are so many children out there in the world who, for whatever reason, need a mother to love them and look after them and I’m the woman put here to fulfil part of that need, I’m the woman who needs a child to love.

And that’s been ok, it doesn’t totally mitigate the hurt, but whilst I’ve been able to believe that, it’s been ok, bearable.

But then go and introduce that concept in the article listed and the game changes. I get to ask new questions of myself.

Part of me has to think that if successful, then combine that with future/the right advancements in mitochondrial replacement and there aren’t too many reasons I can see why I and other girls born like me might not be able to bear our own biolgiocal children soon enough.

Would I do that?

I’d want to, certainly! (very badly!)

But when I think about it, I have to think that given my current place in the world, the decision I’ve made as to my purpose, that my motivations would be very selfish.

As sad as it makes me, I don’t think I could in good conscience; for multiple reasons.

The children I talk about above being one, and another being that I honestly don’t think I could ask any other woman to give up that part of herself, regardless of whether she might be “done” with it or not.

Further, if that much science has to go into it, is it natural anyway? Is it ME? I could kid myself that maybe it is and I could just try and enjoy it for what it was and be grateful for what I was given, but that comes down to what I’d be prepared to justify to myself and what my motivations would be for doing that.

I think I’d prefer to someday have the science needed to grow my own and be more naturally capable. Then! maybe I’d feel more like it was meant for me, like it was what the world and life intended for/of me.

So as surprising and silly as it may sound, I think I’d sooner continue to live with the hurt for now and know that good can come from me somewhere else.

One thing I do know for certain; is that no matter how it is I come to be a mother, I will be the kind of mother that only a woman who has a true respect and appreciation of the role can truly be.