Forgetting yourself.

Hey there! So it’s been quite a while huh? Funny how life starts to get in the way and all of a sudden blogging becomes a low priority behind keeping food on your table and a roof over your head, behind that date you got asked out on and accepted, behind trying to work out if your feelings for this guy (who claims he has feelings for you, and is looking like throwing his marriage, which is on the rocks already, away, to be with you) are truly LOVE, or just lust based on the fact that he’s the first guy to ever pay you attention and say the right things and make you feel special, beautuful etc etc etc.

 

It’s easy to get caught up in the moment, to forget yourself and your situation, to believe that maybe it (your situation) won’t matter when the time comes, that he really DOES have feelings for you, instead of understanding that the truth is just that he’s under duress and that you look like an easy and attractive way out for him.

 

You’ve got a better heart than most people will ever understand, and so you’ve showed him care and compassion, tried to help him when everyone else was siding with his wife, and he’s read more into that than you’d ever truly intended.

 

What they don’t tell you in the “how to transition from male to female successfully” handbook, is that your pre-conceived notions that life will be simple once you’ve “corrected” your issue, that life as you’ve always known it was meant to be for you, that life when you’re finally (physically) female, are totally incorrect!

 

Life for a girl is not in any way simple, especially for a girl like you who was a late entry to the party and as such 1. Is STARTING her life in a world where everyone else’s life is well and truly underway and 2. Hasn’t had the early life all other women her age have had during which, they’ve learned to understand their feelings, thoughts and emotions and how they can lead her astray, and then make informed decisions, knowing when to ignore her emotions, her heart, and rather listen to her head and NOT screw herself, her life and the life of others, up in the long term. (that said, some women, even natal born females, are stupid and NEVER learn this)

 

Where am I headed with this?

 Not entirely sure!

 

I needed to write, to get my thoughts out on what is and has been happening in my life currently and try and get myself to be ok with making decisions (about current events) that are right for me and everyone else, but that I desperately want to ignore.

 

So the situation?

 

For the first time ever, a guy says he loves me, says he finds me attractive, says he wants to be with me.

He spends time with me, makes me feel special. He does things for me (he washed my car for me the other day, without me asking him to or knowing he was doing it, just a surprise, his way, I think, of showing he likes me)

 

He’s married, he has two daughters (one eight years old to one woman, and a one year old with his wife, who is now pregnant again in an effort to save the marriage).

 

When I met him I found out that they’d recently separated, that he didn’t want to save it.

 

I’ve come to learn that the reality of the situation is that she chose to be a stay at home mom, and so he’s off working away from home 6 days a week (to earn ends-meat for them), and when he IS home, he wants to rest, spend time with his friends, have some leisure time etc, and she’s constantly mad because he’s not home more often and when he is, he’s not helping her as much as she expects, add to that she’s insecure and thinks he’s cheating on her, and he’s pretty simply “over” it all and wants out.

 

Along comes me, young, un-attached, tall, slim, blond, down to earth, direct about what I want and am looking for, independent, understanding of him and his life (we share a profession) and I show him compassion, I take him away for a weekend to relax, he meets my family (who seem awesome) and all of a sudden, he’s trying to work out how we might make a future together, how he might be able to make it work with me.

 

His friends all know me, all talk crap openly about competing to “bed” me all think I’m attractive.

 

His best friend is my boss, and he’s apparently told the guy how he feels (or thinks he feels) about me.

I won’t lie, it feels real.

 

For the first time EVER, it feels real.

 

*I* feel “real”.

 

But then there’s the truth.

 

The truth is that he’s in a bad situation right now, and the time he spends with me makes him feel ok, the truth is that he really knows pretty much nothing about me, aside from the fact that he’s seen (with my family) how much I care and try for the people I love.

 

The me he sees right now, is not the me I do/had planned on being in 5 years.

 

He doesn’t even know me.

 

And then there’s the wild card, the thing that potentially changes EVERYTHING!

 

My birth condition.

 

He doesn’t know that, no-one in my/our current life/environment seems aware of it, but if they dig, if they’re inclined to look further than the surface….. well, let’s just say my life hasn’t progressed far enough yet, that it would be difficult for them to find out about.

 

And there’s two ways I feel about that, 1. It makes me cautious, and 2. Part of me is of the opinion that I am who I am and what they think can’t change who I am, it can/will only change what THEY think of me, but if it does, and he’s been so open about how he feels for me, if things progress further, if he puts a relationship with me before saving his marriage, before his children, and then if someone DOES dig and spread things about me, where will that leave him?

 

I suspect it will leave him ready to beat me to death, feelings or not.

 

And all because I just wanted love.

 

Life is cruel. Know that before you start.

 

Read this blog (over and over if you have to, until you begin to understand what she’s trying to convey):  helping transsexuals

 

Especially this post

 

I wouldn't say it is, or that I AM in denial, I'm well aware of myself and my situation, but it's simply something I've been failing to consider as much as I should be.

 

It is relevant