The first step....

I read A LOT!!!!

Or at least I HAVE read a lot.

I’ve been reading A LOT for a few years now.

Y'see, a few years ago, back before I’d become blooded to the “trans” (the hip or “slang” term for transgender) environment/community, both on the Internet and in the real world, I had a really serious problem that I needed to find a way of fixing.

I’d managed to live with this problem for quite some time, because despite early efforts in life, I had found I had no other option than to live with it, but by this time, the problem had gotten to a point where I could no longer deal with it, it was debilitating and preventing me from leading a normal happy life.

So, as most people would, I went in search of a way to resolve the issue.

What was my issue you ask? (I don't know, maybe you didn't but please humor me)

I was born with a female mind and a male body.

Think of all the girls you might know and see every day.

What is it they typically do in their lives?

Is there a rough-ish sort of pattern that the average human female’s life typically tends follow?

What do they want for for themselves on a personal level?

When are they their most contented, and what do they do in order to find that contentment (and PUL-ease! be realistic!), do you think the mom of three, in her forties or fifties, married to a man in a (hopefully), loving relationship, is constantly devastated and unhappy because her body isn’t perfect like it was in her teens or twenties? or because she doesn’t look good in that pencil skirt? Or because she doesn’t feel “sexy” ALL the time?)

Would it be fair to say that a large portion of humans born as the female sex, typically seek romantic and sexual relationships with males?

Are most female born humans capable of bearing children after they reach sexual maturity? And how many would you say (when you look at the female sex on a whole, globally) do and/or desire too?

Not all of them right?.....

No, I agree, but a large percentage of them, wouldn’t you say?

My problem was, that like all the other girls I knew, I wanted those same things.  

To find a man to love me (not necessarily BECAUSE I was female, but! the full understanding of that FACT that I am, was important) and make love to me.

I wanted desperately (and still do) to be a mother.

What a wonder it must be to bring life into the world, a privilege!.... The ways I might be able to love my children.

Feeling I’ll never know that in the way I feel so desperately, that I need to, makes me want to retreat from life, from the world, and NEVER come back.

NONE of that is possible with a penis.

NONE.

So I read A LOT, or I have, in search of what I could do, and I run across all this information on “trans” and “transgender” and “transgenderism”, and how gender and sex is all just a big spectrum and no two people are the same and some women are still female even if they have a penis etc.

But I still can’t do any of the stuff that I need to, with a penis.

No person with a penis (that I have ever known) has ever been able to give birth to a baby, and most males that I know (who penetrate other people who have penises) do so BECAUSE they want someone with (and who’s happy to use) a penis, as a lover, and I was never happy to use mine (to the extent that I never did) and I didn’t want to be recognized for it, or as someone who WANTS it, or wants USE it.

(in fact the thought of being recognized for it, or mistaken for someone who wanted to use it, again, made me want to retreat from life and the world and never come back)

So this whole transgender thing really didn’t seem to help me much.

Some of these “trans” people took female hormones which made their bodies look pretty female when they wore the right clothes and stuff, and some people even found ways to change their voices so they sounded female and I guess those things could be helpful to me when I needed guys to recognise who I am (female) and to do what I wanted guys to do with me….

BUT!

I still needed to have a vagina to really do what I needed and to make it so people could REALLY have a chance of knowing who and what I am, and for some reason, most of them (these trans people) said that that (having a vagina) didn’t matter to them, that they didn’t need one to be who they were, do what they needed to, and have people understand them.

But who knows?

Maybe I didn’t understand  them correctly?

Maybe they did need the same thing I needed? (to be, function, and be understood as, female/someone with a vagina, and so, someone who thinks and feels like and wants like most other people with a vagina).

Maybe I needed to read further and give them a chance?

Look harder?

So I did, and I found places (one mainly) where I could talk to people individually or as a group.

But it wasn’t face to face….

 Where I came from, there weren’t many people and I didn’t ever see anyone I thought might be like me and no-one ever said anything about feeling the same way I did, so how could I find them?

I tried to tell my mother a few times when I was little and she didn’t seem to understand or take me seriously, or take much interest, so I figured (for some reason that I didn’t know or couldn't understand), that people like me weren’t very common.

In fact, when I was little and my mom didn’t get it, I wondered if all “boys” felt like me and  the others just dealt with it? OR, if they didn’t, was I the only “boy” who ever did?

But no, I found this place on the Internet, and there were a lot of people there who said they wanted to change their bodies.

Almost every day there was a new message (or many) on the computer from people from all over the world saying they wanted to change their bodies. So maybe I wasn’t the only one after all?

So I read further and sometimes I wrote back and said what I thought and how I felt, but most of them didn’t agree with me and some even got mad and told me they were going to ban me from sharing how I felt.

So I kept reading the new people’s posts and I noticed something interesting (many things actually, and I’ll probably share a lot of them as this blog progresses).

Most of them; when they were introducing themselves to me and the other people, would tell their story about their life and how they’d felt the same as I had.

Often they’d say they’d felt that way since they were little, or for as long as they could remember (and that was exactly the same way I’d felt) and then, nearly every one of them would make a similar declaration about how they needed to change their lives (like I did) and that they did, or were, or are; taking "the first step" and accepting that they were (or are) trans.

And at that very moment; we parted company.

You see I never ever accepted I was “trans” I've never thought of myself that way (oh, I know now that I was born transsexual and that I've accepted, that's no big deal to me now, I don't let that stop me from living life as the very best female I can be, but that is something that I've come to understand; is completely different to being or accepting you are, anything that you might read or find that relates to "trans") I just needed to be female like the other girls I knew, and none of them were, or ever had to accept that they were “trans” in order to be girls, women or female.

The only thing they they truly needed in order to be those things, was (coincidentally) the exact same thing that I needed.

The right body, INCLUDING a vagina.  

So what is going to be YOUR first step?